Hello, Happy Friday! That was easy...good night.
OK, there is more to it. Besides, when have I ever not had something to say. With talking about my Mom lately I got thinking about how I did not turn our at all how she wanted. That's a good thing. My Mom believed that little girls should be sweet and demure. She told me from an early age that I am shy. I tried to believe that. The first time I had an oral report I was in the third grade and I was scared, I wanted nothing to do with standing in front of the class. After all, I'm shy. I dogged it as long as I could, I went last. I held my paper tight with shaking fingers. I refused to look at the class. At one point I said something funny. Laughter! They weren't laughing at ME, they were laughing at what I said. I peeked over the edge of the paper and saw approval. From then on I was ready for any chance to be in front of an audience. This embarrassed my Mom. But then again, she would take off work to come to my school plays, weather I had any lines or not.
She was also against being boastful. Any acknowledgement of a good thing was thought to be bragging. So any accomplishment was hushed so that I would not become conceited. Mind you, none of this worked. I do not consider myself big headed, but I do believe in myself and what I can do. I battled low self esteem for many years, there are times I still do and maybe I will always have traces of it lurking over my shoulder. I used to think that in order to have self-esteem, one must have something about one's self worthy of esteem. I sunk a therapist with that one once. How is this for a self esteem 'don't' for a kid. I have always loved words. I was an early reader and picked up dictionaries, thesauruses and encyclopedias as soon as I could. I developed an large vocabulary. I suppose I might have seemed to be showing off when I tried on a new word, But I was told by my step Father, with my Mother's blessing, to "Stop using them damn $10 words!". At first I thought they were kidding, but they were not. They were serious. It seems my step siblings didn't understand some of the words I used and it made them feel bad. Score one for their self esteem, and a bullet for mine. It is interesting to find out that even as adults neither of them can complete a sentence without the "F-word". I am very happy to stay that I was able to rise above. To be truthful, I think a lot of my self awareness come from being on my own so much. I was pretty much ignored, or even neglected. As an experiment once I didn't talk to them for four days, they didn't even notice, or care. I would be sent off to stay with other people every once in a while. I would be in my room minding my own business, then my Mom would come in and say "Pack a bag, you're going to go stay with .........." So, I learned to adapt to a changing environment. I learned to happily bloom where ever I was planted, in the mountains with an aunt, in the desert with step grand parents or down the street with a neighbor. I learned what different families were like. I learned new traditions and cultures. This still makes me happy that I feel I can understand differences better then most people..
In their selfishness they really did me a favor. When I was underage they had to take me with them on adventures, if they couldn't get someone to take me at that time. We spent a lot of time on the road or in camp just talking. I learned their histories, their beliefs and with that, what not to believe. I learned to have my own ideas and views and not just repeat their views. I learned from their bigotry how to be tolerant. They were both very intelligent and inquisitive people even though I did not usually agree with their conclusions. I did learn to keep my thoughts to my self. That is something I don't do as well now... Maybe I should try to do that more...or not.
So, not an ideal childhood. Is there such a thing? I learned some of the hard lessons in life early. I see in my husband, someone who was sheltered in his life. He has had to learn so many things in just these last few years. At times it is hard on him. But, I am here to help him just as he is here to help me keep my feet on the ground, and not run away That is my true happiness.
Peace, Joy, Love and Happiness to all.
OK, there is more to it. Besides, when have I ever not had something to say. With talking about my Mom lately I got thinking about how I did not turn our at all how she wanted. That's a good thing. My Mom believed that little girls should be sweet and demure. She told me from an early age that I am shy. I tried to believe that. The first time I had an oral report I was in the third grade and I was scared, I wanted nothing to do with standing in front of the class. After all, I'm shy. I dogged it as long as I could, I went last. I held my paper tight with shaking fingers. I refused to look at the class. At one point I said something funny. Laughter! They weren't laughing at ME, they were laughing at what I said. I peeked over the edge of the paper and saw approval. From then on I was ready for any chance to be in front of an audience. This embarrassed my Mom. But then again, she would take off work to come to my school plays, weather I had any lines or not.
She was also against being boastful. Any acknowledgement of a good thing was thought to be bragging. So any accomplishment was hushed so that I would not become conceited. Mind you, none of this worked. I do not consider myself big headed, but I do believe in myself and what I can do. I battled low self esteem for many years, there are times I still do and maybe I will always have traces of it lurking over my shoulder. I used to think that in order to have self-esteem, one must have something about one's self worthy of esteem. I sunk a therapist with that one once. How is this for a self esteem 'don't' for a kid. I have always loved words. I was an early reader and picked up dictionaries, thesauruses and encyclopedias as soon as I could. I developed an large vocabulary. I suppose I might have seemed to be showing off when I tried on a new word, But I was told by my step Father, with my Mother's blessing, to "Stop using them damn $10 words!". At first I thought they were kidding, but they were not. They were serious. It seems my step siblings didn't understand some of the words I used and it made them feel bad. Score one for their self esteem, and a bullet for mine. It is interesting to find out that even as adults neither of them can complete a sentence without the "F-word". I am very happy to stay that I was able to rise above. To be truthful, I think a lot of my self awareness come from being on my own so much. I was pretty much ignored, or even neglected. As an experiment once I didn't talk to them for four days, they didn't even notice, or care. I would be sent off to stay with other people every once in a while. I would be in my room minding my own business, then my Mom would come in and say "Pack a bag, you're going to go stay with .........." So, I learned to adapt to a changing environment. I learned to happily bloom where ever I was planted, in the mountains with an aunt, in the desert with step grand parents or down the street with a neighbor. I learned what different families were like. I learned new traditions and cultures. This still makes me happy that I feel I can understand differences better then most people..
In their selfishness they really did me a favor. When I was underage they had to take me with them on adventures, if they couldn't get someone to take me at that time. We spent a lot of time on the road or in camp just talking. I learned their histories, their beliefs and with that, what not to believe. I learned to have my own ideas and views and not just repeat their views. I learned from their bigotry how to be tolerant. They were both very intelligent and inquisitive people even though I did not usually agree with their conclusions. I did learn to keep my thoughts to my self. That is something I don't do as well now... Maybe I should try to do that more...or not.
So, not an ideal childhood. Is there such a thing? I learned some of the hard lessons in life early. I see in my husband, someone who was sheltered in his life. He has had to learn so many things in just these last few years. At times it is hard on him. But, I am here to help him just as he is here to help me keep my feet on the ground, and not run away That is my true happiness.
Peace, Joy, Love and Happiness to all.
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